Harry Potter Spells for Grown Up Muggles

Okay - my partner's daughter is about to turn nine years old and is totally fixated with the Harry Potter film series.
So this has given me the opportunity to rent HP  DVDs at will, and further indulge my magical fantasy appetite - unquenched since discovering The Hobbit and LOTR as a yunkster myself.

Now, as a Grown Up, I realise how totally cool it would be to have a magic wand and be able to cast spells a la Harry and his Hogwarts pals.

Therefore ... I propose a number of spells appropriate for the 'over forties'.
Now.  Standing firmly.  Feet slightly apart. Focus .... Unsheath your wands and ....

Conjuctivitus!  (Your enemy is rendered helpless by bloodshot eyeballs.)

Ravioli Maximus!! (They are turned into a large pasta item and boiled in salted water til 'al dente')
Coitus Interruptus!  (Your enemy will be intermittenlty distracted by small children's insane and strident demands whilst attempting sexual intercourse.)
Tinea Pedis!  (Athlete's foot.)
Rolf Harris!  (A talentless aged Australian will sing to them for hours and hours about Two Little Boys)
Barista Malfeus! (lousy coffee forever)
Flatus Incontrollata! (ongoing farting)
Kleptomania Plumus!  (irresistable desire to steal pens)